It had been thirty-four hours since I last slept. But the moment I saw my own eyes staring back at me, any present drowsiness screeched to a halt. My picture was plastered all over the corner newsstand, alongside the saccharine smiles of Anna and Ming – October Tenth Riot Instigators Wanted, it read. I swallowed down the disturbed warmth that rose up in my chest and quickly wiped away the cold sweat in my palms before it could be dried by this gusty wind. Absolutely ridiculous. There were several men in scrubs in front of the newsstand, shuffling on their feet and thumbing away at their phones, but fortunately all of them seemed too cognitively loaded to notice me. Frenzied, I flung my woolen scarf around my neck and pushed it up high enough to cover my nose and mouth; turning around, I lolloped away from the newsstand. Truthfully, I did not know where I was going. I didn’t think to hide, since they always find you one way or another, and I had nothing to hide, anyway. I just had to get away: it was difficult to ignore the heartbeat that was pounding loudly in the back of my head.

The city streets were particularly desolate for a Monday morning, but this was all a blur. I could feel the fibers of my scarf inside my nostrils, and the harder I fought for my next breath, the more of them there were. Riot instigators? Our faces on the front page, as if we were violent criminals on the loose? The wind somehow penetrated my sweater through the gaps in between the stitches to breeze over the sweat on my back, but this was no time to be cold. I needed to make some calls, ideally at a place where I could not be identified. My apartment was out of question: they had certainly raided it by now. And then it occurred to me: the river was a few streets away, and there was a spot underneath the bridge hidden from onlookers, frequented only by geese and the disillusioned. That’ll do, for now.

Even the river seemed unusually turbulent today, but thankfully there was not a soul in sight. I flung down my bag and fished for my phone. Ming hasn’t responded to any of my calls in the past twelve hours, with each hour inching by increasingly slowly. I first lost sight of him after the last impassioned speech he made, a speech about how friendships were the one thing that made life worth living, and soon after Anna was gone too, so the organizational duty fell on my shoulders alone for the last few hours. It was rather easy to lose people at protests like this. It had certainly been chaotic: people grew bitter, fights broke out with the counter protesters, and some guy was hit in the head and needed an ambulance. Which was strange – it was surprising that the counter protesters had enough passion left in them to even get into a fight, that there were any counter protesters at all. In any case, my messages to Ming were left unopened, but surely by now he had recognized the urgency of the situation – he must have. Holding my breath, I once again pushed the phone against my cheek as I leaned back on the concrete pillar.

Still nothing.

My stomach was a tangled mess at the possibility of him having been taken away already. He was so gentle, how was he to survive their questioning alone? I could not let them do that to my Ming. I pushed the call button several more times, each time in vain. Frantically, I called the second number on my speed dial.

“Lena! Lena, Lena?” Her voice came through layered with static.

“Anna! Thank god, it’s so good to hear your voice.” I nearly teared up. “Are you alright? Did you see the articles?”

“I’m… I’m okay.” There’s a certain unease in her voice. “I just glanced through them. They’re making some pretty serious accusations. It’s ridiculous. They’re also framing us for the death of this random guy who apparently suffered blunt head trauma during the protest.”

“He… died?”

“You knew about this?” Lena gasped.

“You didn’t? The guy that got transported?” I grabbed a small rock and skipped it across the river. “Where did you go, anyway?” It bounced three times before it sank. “Anna? I’ll come find you. We can fight this!”

“I’m in Beijing. I’m waiting for my connecting flight. I left the country pretty early last night.”

“What? You’re what? Where are you going? When –”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Her sobs came through in bursts. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I’ve had this backup plan since forever. I didn’t want to seem like the only one who’s uncommitted to the cause, but I’m so scared of what would happen when they come after us. I’m sorry, Lena.”

My face felt warm.

“What do you mean, when they come after us? In this country?”

“Look what they’re already saying! You know how they are. No one cares about the truth anymore, it’s all rhetoric! They’re going to twist our words, make this into a political issue and make an example out of us!”

“And your decision is to just leave? To leave me here? Anna, I thought we were best friends.” I threw another rock at the river. This time it just splattered and sank.

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I’m a coward. I’m a traitor. I’m sorry that I’m not there with you guys through this.”